Born on the 183rd day of 1974, I grew up on a small farm, we grew our own food, raised our own animals, and had at least 4 different kinds of fruit trees, totaling about 10 trees in all. That experience helped me learn how to garden organically, and how to let go when it is time to harvest your “pets”. (read kill them for food) I also learned when I was about 13 that store-bought eggs have yellow yolks. If you have never had free-range, organic eggs, you may not understand why that is a revelation, but to me, it was like having your first Fast-food burger after only seeing pictures on TV. You quickly realize the thing wrapped in paper is NOTHING like the TV ads. By the time I was in 3rd grade I was winning spelling bees, had been writing a bi-weekly column for the local paper (minimal editing, not Pulitzer-Prize material, but pretty good for an elementary school kid) and had fallen in love with science. For me, the world was riddled with lies, mystery, and danger, and scientists were the daring adventurers pushing their way through it, to bring the glorious treasure of knowledge and truth to the people. I was doing so well I was put into a “gifted program” which meant I was bused from the 4-room schoolhouse I went to, into the nearest town. Since the special-ed (technically I was one of them) also went to town, we all rode the short bus together. Social skills weren’t my strong suit, but enthusiasm and genuine love for other human beings got me through it, and still does to this day.
By the time I got to high school, I learned a few things, namely, marijuana does wonders for some types of social anxiety (like mine), talking to people is easy but understanding them is not. My social awkwardness has only slightly dissipated, I am finding that I have some other, not-yet-tapped abilities, and I am still able to be better friends with women than men, but that last one is going away as more women seem to want things from me just because I talk to them. I also have recently been writing, as this, and my other blog hopefully show. I have been inspired, which marks the greatest output of writing since my interim job in grade school as a reporter. It marks the greatest output for me as personal writing. If anyone wonders what the inspiration is, it is plastered all over the page (update: I have unplastered, by request, it does not matter anymore who it is, that is a personal note now. i clothed her in my words for awhile, and now the words are free, just like she). I have almost always hated the physical act of writing, the frustration of low-speed was more than I could bear, and it is still very much like that for me. However, I have found freedom in typing I didn’t in writing.
I was expelled 18 days before the end of my senior year for protesting against unfair treatment of a teacher, who happened to be a family friend, and I stubbornly refused to be quietly let back in, requiring a public reinstatement as loud as the public expulsion. Yeah, I was pretty ornery. I still am. I still protest against the wrongs I see. I still have strong opinions, but they are usually quite valid and backed with a great deal of thought, experience, circumstance and evidence. I went to community college, a beautiful opportunity and gift from my family, and got my associates degree in Physics, with enough credits to almost total a bachelor’s, but I wandered in my studies, Network Administration, Psychology, Physics, I went for all of them. I found a better paying and higher status job than my retail cashier job at a computer store. My mother died after her second bout with breast cancer. I also have detailed that story here on my blog. I am currently recovering from injuries, looking for work, preferably in green tech or some other type of sustainable energy field, and working toward another bout of education (theoretical physics and sustainable engineering are the gleam in my eyes). As well as some ideas I have been musing about for some time now, one regarding implementation of waste recovery for biogas generation, again, put on here, and another I have never publicly disclosed.
My truest loves are the Truth, poetry (I have always loved poems), I am a HUGE movie fan, as i rarely read fictional written works, but I will watch the hell out of some movies, and science, with a MAJOR emphasis on Physics. Oh yes, and a particular lady, and I will leave it at that. i am not particularly religious, but I do subscribe to a philosophical rendering of consciousness, and I try to maintain footing in the reality of life and its perils. And I believe in Love. I believe love to be the conscious experience of the force of gravity. To illustrate my point, I just ask that you take the phrases, concepts, and experiences of love, and those used to describe gravity, and notice how many are similar. Attraction, some things are more attractive than others, gravity makes all of life possible, yet it is also the most destructive force out there, one moment it is giving life, the next it is crushing all that matters. It is everywhere, it is all around us, it is in everything, it is what makes the world go ’round, and what makes us go around the sun. I will admit it takes a little poetic license, but you can still make a pretty convincing list on both sides where the characteristics match up pretty well. And besides, nobody has a very good answer to the question, “what is consciousness?” yet anyway.
The last 10 or 12 years have been quite sinusoidal, a rollercoaster for sure. I started out in 2000 working in construction by day, and doing night classes for Network Administration. by 2001, I had injured my back, waited 9 months for surgery, started having visitation with my son, and enrolled in a Physics program by the Fall of 2002. by 2005, I was 1 quarter away from graduation with an Associates Degree, when I fell and broke my heel. My mother also was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had one class left when I had to stop my education, my mother and I rideshared for medical appointments, while I couldn’t walk, my mother drove me to my doctor appointments, and when the chemo overtook her, I was walking again, and I drove her to her chemo appointments. after she beat her cancer, and I was walking again, I went back to college and finished my last class, graduated with a degree, and continued my employment as a cashier at an old computer store chain that doesn’t exist anymore (CompUSA). I got another job in real estate, near the end of the boom, and I was working toward transferring to a university to finish my Bachelor’s, Physics major, Computer Science minor, when my mother got sick again, and all of us moved home to be with her. I got employment again, got exercising again, and started what would become another failed relationship. Injured my neck in 2010, and spent 2+ years self-employed, recovering from a neck injury, and trying to be a useful part of family and society. I broke my right leg, in 2012, and am currently mostly recovered from that physically, and seeking employment while hopefully getting another small business going. I like to have a full plate, it keeps me busy. Oh yes, and my son turned 18 in 2012, and is far better equipped to take on the world than I was at his age. If that is any yardstick, I succeeded as a father there. So I had 4 injuries, 3 surgeries, 1 family member with 2 cancer bouts, a child to raise, got a college degree, and somewhat managed to stay above water. So now I go back at it, a slave to the grind, to look life in the face, and take it on one more time 🙂
UPDATE: Aug. 24th, 2013… I have had some feedback about the negative nature of this, and how it focuses on the bad. So I am going to dedicate this paragraph to the good. I got to study physics, and despite the setback and struggles, I got an accredited degree, an Associates of Science, with a 3.83 GPA, and a wonderful recommendation from my professor, which I managed to lose in my moving. I have always loved Physics, and studying, learning the language of Mathematics, and applying it to the workings of the world was absolutely ecstatic for me. I will continue to strive for that high for the rest of my life. I met amazing people who i still admire to this day, and learned a lot about people I thought were my friends. I am grateful for all the experiences, good and bad. I was able to be by my mother’s side while she passed from cancer, a decision and experience that can never be taken from me. My mother was able to be a grandmother before she passed, at the time, I was the only one of the kids to have a child, and she got to live that dream of hers before she died. Whatever else there is to the story of my fatherhood, I will always be grateful that I could give her that. I learned what it is like to fall, hard, and get back up, with the help of family and friends. I know all too well what it is like to be crippled, and the reliance on others that is necessary, and I am grateful for that. I am lucky to have the family that I do, both in blood, and in friendship. I learned much from the hardships and struggle, and if there is one thing I truly love, and always will, it is learning. I am happy when i am right, or correct or what have you, but I actually truly LOVE to be wrong, because it shows me what I haven’t learned yet. I do not fear being wrong, I run right at it, I revel in the opportunity to be wrong, and I think I always will. So I am grateful for my struggles. I mean after all, how good would it sound if I listed my accomplishments without the struggle behind them? The sarcasm is implied. I love myself, and the growth that all of my life has given me. I am the sum of my challenges, abundances, and love, multiplied by my passion. I love my life, and the opportunities within it. My biggest regrets are what I have not done yet. Here is my positivity paragraph. I am grateful that i have the chance to experience some small part of the cosmos, and the time and place is now, and on this pale blue dot, the beautiful little watery, rocky outpost we call Earth, and home.
UPDATE: January 1, 2014 – I am working at a large corporation, I am on a team directly working with healthcare reform issues within the company, and I am taking online classes with my eye on an Actuarial certification. I am also working on trying my hand at more writing, and even music, as I never have, but i have always “heard” harmonies, maybe i have some musical inclination after all. As a small note, my trusty laptop has a problem with the shift key, so I often miss an “I” capitalization, kinda gives me away doesn’t it? It has done me well for a few years now, and it keeps on going. I have been on a self-imposed moratorium from things that would take away my focus for 2 years now, and my life is going in a good direction. As much as I dislike it, sometimes drastic change is exactly what is needed. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, and a special thanks to anyone that makes it this far down this page.
So, here ya go, there’s me in story form, here is a quick list form for ya:
1. Hippie-country boy raised on organic food (animals and veggies) and watched his dad rope in rodeos
2. scientist-poet who has yet to ever be employed in the avenue of study most dear, and writes in a blog
3. Love-struck philosopher with only self-education to list (and an A.S.)
4. Anti-cancer advocate with a personal passion for the hate of the disease
5. Was in special-ed during early school years, they just called it “the good kind”
6. despite many experiences and evidence to the contrary, I still believe in love, and the innate goodness of people.
7. if all goes well, this will be moot, as the best years of my life are still ahead of me
8. I raised a child for the later years of his life, I have never been married, and unless a soulmate falls from the sky or something, I will stay single for awhile
9. I am not good at lists
10: If (1-8) = <confusion> then: (9)
May 18, 2013 at 12:08 PM
Thanks Andrew for the comments. xxx
May 18, 2013 at 12:51 PM
very welcome 🙂
May 21, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Hi, very nice blog, really loved it.
Peace and Love, Sanoj
May 21, 2013 at 10:51 AM
thank you jose, I appreciate it
June 3, 2013 at 12:12 AM
coincidence is a funny term, 2 things coming together to happen at once… I actually like that word, but most people think of it as cold, and unfeeling, I do not 🙂 By story I mean a nondirect way to show feelings. like a movie that has a main character you identify with him, and let him know that. he may not think you feel like that about him. especially if it would cast him in a good light. You can talk about the character, and the character’s strong points, and possible flaws, and make it less directly affective to him. He doesn’t have to feel like it is a personal attack, and he can chalk up any issues (or you can) to interpretation. You may find he looks at himself much differently than you do. Being able to have a common starting point for the conversation of feelings will go a long way. If you get to talk about the character and make that kind of breakthrough in communication, then building from there will be an incremental, and fun, process 🙂 that is what i meant by story. Do you tend to try to talk to him directly about his feelings, like you were gonna talk to him about sports, or monthly bills? if so, be flexible and willing enough to let him be out of that zone, he is uncomfortable there, so give him another zone to try to express himself in 🙂 talking about feelings is something that is culturally inhibited among most men these days, it isn’t what we are taught to be, and we are taught that women dont want it, even if they say they do. giving a man the space to be able to break down that wall, and be vulnerable to you… well, let’s just say he will likely only be vulnerable like that to one person. Screw getting to his heart thru his tummy, give a man a person he can TRULY be a real man with, break down, and be accepted for having those feelings, and you can own him. but he has to meet you there, he has to be able to touch those places in himself, or you will be working very hard, in vain
June 3, 2013 at 12:33 AM
This is perfect… I never thought about it that way…
June 3, 2013 at 1:38 AM
no, it sounds like a girlfriend 🙂 it is one of the areas where women often try to be like men, in order to help, and it is like the one area men usually need women to be more like women, because there is no male archetype for emotional outlet. heck, i have even had a woman break up with me because I DIDN’T get jealous… if you believe that. one of the few times women rush to speak men’s language, and it is usually the time they shouldn’t. If you ask me, it is just the way relationships are: destined for struggle, LOL
June 11, 2013 at 1:30 AM
Merci de suivre mon blog. d–0.o–b
June 11, 2013 at 11:10 AM
thank you for reading 🙂
August 11, 2013 at 4:08 PM
Fantastic about ,lovely and lively.I always wanted to live on a Farm.Life at its best.Thank you for stopping by.Best wishes.jalal
August 11, 2013 at 4:45 PM
thank you, there is something about the farm, when a child you only see it as work, as an adult, I keep wishing I had a garden and some animals! real food grown and tended by your own hands is something special 🙂
August 24, 2013 at 8:03 AM
Thank you kindly for dropping by wePoets, it’s much appreciated. We hope to see you again and would be happy to showcase your work. 🙂
August 24, 2013 at 6:34 PM
I submitted a previous poem for your showcase, and please, feel free to repost my link, or any of my work you like, let me know so i can reblog it also! thank you for stopping by!
August 24, 2013 at 6:37 PM
That’s great! This is Zoe and Kira takes care of the submissions, so that’s maybe how I missed that you already submitted, sorry about that! Feel free to submit as much as you’d like showcased! We have a calendar page where you can keep track of what’s going up when. It’s kept up to date at least a week ahead and usually more. 🙂 Thank you so much.
August 24, 2013 at 6:52 PM
you didnt miss it Zoe, i submitted after your comment! I had not seen your page yet, so i was very grateful you stopped by. i am shy about my work, and i am working on that 🙂 i am really not a great judge of what to post, or showcase. Many of these have a very personal meaning for me, so I like to hear what other people think of them, it makes the personal nature lessen a bit
August 24, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Phew! I saw it in email after. I think all of us artists are shy about our work, well at least I haven’t met one including myself that isn’t. I think we’re our own worst critics. I understand the personal meaning for sure. Thank you so much for being willing to share, and I was happy to drop over to your site, and will I will again 🙂
August 24, 2013 at 7:21 PM
I am very willing to share, my shyness hinders me, and in order to break that yoke, I am running full speed ahead at public display 🙂
August 24, 2013 at 7:25 PM
Woowhoo! Bring it! 😉
August 24, 2013 at 7:47 PM
LOL, working on it, i am updating this “About Me” post, and another poem as we speak. I may have to go grocery shopping in a few minutes though
August 24, 2013 at 7:51 PM
What do you mean you have to eat over writing? 😉
August 24, 2013 at 8:13 PM
hahaha, i tend to get all emotionally invested, and the writing suffers from the emotional moment, so i break, and often food will help that, besides, the refrigerator is kinda bare…
August 24, 2013 at 8:18 PM
Okay shop away..(see how that rhymed?)
August 24, 2013 at 8:33 PM
you have part of a poet’s heart… 😉
August 24, 2013 at 10:39 PM
i guess i do 🙂
August 25, 2013 at 7:16 AM
well then, I suppose it’s true… 😀
September 1, 2013 at 8:16 PM
Thank you so much for following me at behind the mask too!
September 2, 2013 at 12:24 PM
For sure it is, we don’t wish it on anyone but it’s nice to know we’re not alone!
September 2, 2013 at 12:29 PM
it is indeed. I removed the other comments, i don’t like to give that period any more energy that it has already got from me. I am in the now, and that is in the past 🙂
September 2, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Okay whatever makes you most comfortable. 🙂
September 2, 2013 at 12:43 PM
oh yes, if you like here is my other blog:
September 2, 2013 at 12:44 PM
Okay great I’ll check it out. 🙂
October 30, 2013 at 7:52 AM
Nice to meet all of you…LOL!!
October 30, 2013 at 8:04 PM
thanks, the other voices were silent for this one 🙂