My Poetic exclamations and other expressions



J. Kinison

J. Kinison
Oh the time that has passed
I kinda want to say “Holy Crap!”
It’s good to see you up there man!
it wasn’t always easy for you and your fam
I hope you’re getting paid too, damn
and no, I never forgot your name
not since the night I took the blame
that stuff you made, the Talkies
I like it, damn you’re funny!
I never sweated the small things
Kinda crazy, and now you know
what it’s like to be a hero
If I read it right, you had my back
man, I want to thank you for that
don’t hesitate if you ever need a hand
glad to see how far you’ve come
all that working looks more like fun
and let’s not talk about that other stuff
I am happy for you, and all your success
and that you’ve made it working your interest
a tip of the hat to you, sir
I hope it’s all kind of a blur
and really, how small a world
But, anyway, thanks for everything
glad to see you’re still up-and-coming
and all of the recurring themes
and Honor is indeed, a virtue

P.S.- Turd

The Who In Choose

The Who in Choose
I wanted to say why I went the last time
to give them a chance to make it right
to serve and correct the wrongs in their mind
And though this secret isn’t mine
I still have nothing to hide
it felt a little dead inside
for the record, every time
And they were all very nice
better than those forced upon my life
I give love when there’s no lie
I hope they find happiness, or at least can try
The journey, I am relentless, but empty
The compromise, I am cautious, but willing
The future, I am embracing, openly
I understand a necessary lie
A secret’s a lie from the inside
Protection from prying eyes
The kind of thing money can’t buy
but the thing upon which it relies
and sometimes, it turns the tide
Like so much else, it’s in the use
And what puts the who in choose
only to find the you in truth

It Was, Always…

It Was, Always
I know I had said I would always love you
But I can’t look at you now as I did then
but trust love is there, it just can’t show through
I love to see you smile, but ache because it’s them

Call me selfish, call me dumb, call me foolish, at least I’m not numb
I put my faith in someone, believed it was true
silly to believe that it wasn’t a dream, it was you
I’m selfish to give, dumb for love, this fool knows what’s done, can’t be undone

I am not fake when you see me smiling
I am happy, a choice I have made
but there’s a dark hope I am secretly hiding
that it will fall apart, your sweet smile unmade

Call me selfish, call me dumb, call me foolish, at least I’m not numb
I want to see it crumble, but not to cause you pain
but if I look into your eyes, I don’t want to see their name
I’m selfish to want, dumb for love, this fool knows that love shines like the Sun

I am still me, and I wish you the best
you get my smile and genuine compliments
despite myself, and love’s tattered remnants
I have what it takes to pass this test

Call me selfish, call me dumb, call me foolish, at least I’m not numb
I want to bask in your light, but won’t cause myself pain
that is why, you may have noticed, things aren’t the same
I’m selfish, I hurt, dumb for love, this fool’s heartstrings were strummed

please keep smiling, your fun and games
I used a word once, it wasn’t a play
I described a feeling, one that stays
here it is again, it is, it was, Always…


You didn't know what seeds you had sown
when you raised your hand to me
what could have been, but this fire within
wouldn't go out by getting beat
a simple punishment, without admonishment
never the face where everyone would see
without inhibition, past the prohibition
your will, will never be me
without you I rise, and look to the skies
my silence means that I'm free
the future will bring, as I unfurl my wings
a battle cry screamed angelically
wings beating with might, I take to my flight
Untouchable, I soar out of reach
The world is my oyster, old burdens unfoisted
I am loved, a gift felt deeply
ecstatic to discover, and fully uncover
the extent of all my abilities
I'm happy to help, the desire is felt
collaboration, whispered sweetly
felt in the spirit, somehow you hear it
from afar, I'm drawn by your tease
though you abuse, you're still my muse
some wounds never heal completely
first time since birth, I know my worth
cured myself of self-love diseases
with love I speak, I hold my own leash
Untouchable, you never will hurt me
I try to discuss, I don't tell you enough
how much I appreciate your beauty
it seems so absurd, with how often you've heard
"Oh Honey you're simply amazing!"
some fragments remain, now I must retrain
I'm a King, though you see right through me
some interior mess impedes my progress
my Self is difficult in the breaking
you really are the most brilliant of stars
though you are lost in the sun daily
no hurt when you're happy, joy that you're laughing
I am nailed to a cross of my own making
I feel so I live, my broken smile I give
Untouchable, so please, will you touch me?

A Musing…

A Musing…
Do not apologize for what you mean to do,
You know I am happy for you
You will never see my hurt hidden between the lines
it seems to have been a lost cause for all this time
I said it, I meant it, through and through
I hope you have it in you to understand my apprehension
that the words you use to talk me through, have inherent condescension
I want you to know
the strength it took to show
what I look like inside out, my heart and parts open for dissection
once again, I guess I don’t fit in, I’ve always been a late bloomer
and if you knew the Me that’s true, it isn’t just a rumor
but you can only know
some silly stuff I show
believe if you could, that I am really good at situational humor
perhaps it seems on this Internet thing my demeanor is reserved
like in science, the reason behind it, is that my energy is conserved
my words here are topical
my success isn’t optional
my inner beauty, for the special one to see, and who deserves it
I keep my words few, and try to use, my learned vocabulary
but that doesn’t mean that I’m not keen on using it sparingly
I’m not giving up
this fire’s turnt up
but after all this, you must show me Miss, the feel of you really caring

Fighting For Peace

Fighting For Peace
For all on every side who fight against peace
hear this please
captains of industry and their paid-for media proselytizing
filling you and me with consumerism philosophising
creating a scare of the people to whom they sell
so everyday families hide in a locked-home hell
so people only feel safe in a bleached out incarceration
or an oversexed, undereducated, criminal unliberation
when there is no difference between shooter and shot
and every single person believes justice can’t be bought
when representation is truly a tool of democracy
and politics is not just a monetary theocracy
when neighbors are all brothers, sisters and friends
when fear of each other ends, and love of each other wins
and the fact we bear arms is the reason for the need
and injustice for one makes the whole system bleed
we act like shopkeepers and Mother Earth is the store
selling her bounty, and pimping her like a whore
and then smugly pretend that nothing can happen
while Nature reminds us of our terrestrial entrapment
even those who would fight through the lies
have part-time solutions and have to protest in disguise
a few of the giants stand tall, work hard, and have reason for pride
while all of the masses let them handle it, and shamefully sigh
relinquishing their power for false convenience
angrily screaming about the divide in between us
so to all the world’s leaders and citizens, fighting for peace
hear our pleas


No Regret


I hate Cancer. It seems a simple statement, but I have many reasons. For the lives it takes, both directly, and indirectly, for the time spent, and the intonations on our modern life. But most of all, I hate cancer because it took my mother. Not the first time, the first time she beat it. She won, went to the winners circle. It wasn’t an easy victory, cost her a breast, and a lot of time, pain, and suffering, but she beat it. Or so we thought.

I had a broken heel. I had fallen, and broke it. My mother got diagnosed with cancer. i started being able to walk and drive just in the nick of time, as her chemotherapy was beating her down. she had been driving me to college, because of my heel, and then we traded jobs, and I drove my mom to her chemo. Every day we did this, monday through friday, my job was to drive to school, get done with it, and drive her to her chemo appointments when she had them weekly, and anywhere else she needed to be. I finished my degree this way, the last class I needed took me almost a year to complete, and with another school taking me for 1 quarter, and a lot of help from my instructors, I finished it on crutches. My mother got through her chemotherapy with total remission. I had even stolen, yes stolen, a computer game from my work for my mother. Bejeweled. If anyone knows the game, they may have heard that the 2nd version and each after had an “endless” option, strictly because of the number of chemo patients that enjoyed the game so much. I did put the $9.99 (a ten-spot really) in my till on my next paycheck, but I doubt anyone noticed. She loved that game, and I still remember the time I forgot to stop playing in time, and I beat her high score. We had all kept from saving any game that had a higher score, so she was always at the top of the list. I beat it, and I have never felt so terrible for doing well at anything in my life. I never want the high score again, it lost its meaning for me, in any video game. But, my mother made it, she fought, and in round 3 of her chemotherapy, she won. She fought and won. We didn’t know about the rematch.

I had started a new job. My sister had got married, and my mother was able to spend time with her grandson, all dreams of hers to live. She got to do them. She always wanted me to be married, but that wasn’t her dream, it was mine, and she never knew about what I looked for in love, and, quite factually, was the worst matchmaker for me. but she always tried. Though, I wish she would have stayed out of that part of my life, her meddling has had some very long reaching consequences. My first love has always been the truth. My mother never understood that very well. I digress, she was a very loving and caring person, and almost, just almost, a stifling mother. She had her own physical recovery program, she cleaned the 2 horse stalls, and did the daily work of caring and cleaning a 2200 square foot home, and the 5 acres surrounding it. There were chickens, and of course, horses, one of her lifelong loves. Then, as summer neared its end, she began to have backaches, small at first, we thought she was overdoing it on the stall cleaning, which was likely partly true, but that was not all. there was a monster lurking, and it was lurking in her bones.

The technical details are less important to know, but my mother’s breast cancer had metastasized to her bones. Bone lesions were the cause of her back pain. her vertebrae were ulcerous. The pain must have been terrible, yet she always wore that smile. I was working in Seattle, at an escrow firm that had a family friend as an employee, and I had hoped to continue my plan of finishing my hard science degree, with the computer science minor, with the idea of doing simulations and modeling. Seattle University at the time was one of the few schools that had that kind of program, at least nearby. My sister was doing well at her government career, and her husband, bless him, was doing well also. My brother was having all sorts of adventures, as he is prone to do. He still is, and likely always will. It was not what she had always wanted, but she had a grandchild, her only daughter was happily married and had a great career, her oldest son was doing what he wanted, her husband still had a successful business, and I, I was doing something, something she could understand. And then, we got the news, this was likely to take her life. It struck our family hard, she had always been the glue in our family, the person who held it together. We rallied. I got half days at work, my sister and her husband got time off, my brother and my dad were working together at the construction business and so had schedule flexibility, and we took care of her. At the home we had all helped build, that she had done most of the design of, and she had always said she wanted to live out her life in. We got hospice care to help, the chemo wasn’t doing well. We got painkillers, she hurt. We had one last Christmas, her favorite holiday, in her home, as a family. And then the countdown began. She deteriorated fast after that, going from cheery and active, to slow, sleepy, and soon bedridden. Always, she smiled, and had a laugh, even when she could hardly talk. By the end of January, her birthday, she was almost gone. We were all there, when the night came, i woke up from a dead sleep, so did my brother, and dad. My sister we got out of the shower, and even my Brother-in-arms (better than in law, the law has no strength like the bonds between those who have shared what we have) was aware of it; she was dying, RIGHT NOW. We gathered, we all stood at her bedside, and we touched her, told her we loved her, i rubbed her feet, and then, she was gone. We heard her breathe her last breath, and in that moment, her body died. I remember the exact moment, because i looked at the clock, twice. 8:32 pm. We even had a 3-legged black lab that went out to sleep outside, a week before, as was his custom, and mysteriously died, and thank you to my sister’s husband for burying him when none of us had the strength.

I didn’t recover mentally very quickly, none of us did. i lost my job. My sister took on her sadness in her usual custom, she screamed at the wind, went on 2 3-day walks, and raised money for cancer research. My brother took it better, but he changed his life too. My dad lost his company, for many reasons, and it took him much longer to recover, and still is in some ways. I, I have not finished, I know too much now, I will never recover. That is a good thing, as I am changed, the family secrets, the secrets of my mother, father, even my sister and brother. The lies are not as strong as the family ties. For me, the recovery is, and must be, different. there is no drug for my issues, there is no pill, no therapy, no counseling for me. This is the price I pay, for whom I be. But, I will always remember, my mother, the lovely lady, the mother hen, the mother bear. She was there to fight, to lie, to protect her children. She believed in family above all else. She believed in Love. That was her final gift to me.

Thank you Mom, you gave me something else to believe. When too few do, I will always love the truth. And I believe, just like you, that Love is true.

P.S. – because of some fallout from this post, I am clarifying some details. I took a game with a retail price of $9.99. Upon my next check, I bought 3 games of the same price, at employee discount price, which was $3.33. I then paid $20.00. for anyone else who wishes to call me a thief, all I can say is this: I have stolen, but I am not a thief. This posting has as much to do with emotional trauma causing a lapse in judgement, as well as other issues. I stole, and I repaid. I also later bought more games, and had a discussion about it with my manager. This post isn’t a complete dissertation on my lapse of judgement regarding stealing. It is about my mother’s cancer. Any employers who read this, stop making analysis of written material your raison d’ete. My manager and employer at the time kept me on for another 6 months, with no reprisals. I left only after I had another job, and had given 30 days notice. I skimmed over the details because this posting isn’t about that. Thank you all for reminding me how disgusting corporate greed can be, and for reminding me that when you have an employer who cares, there is a huge difference from those who don’t. SMH… AB

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