Pork Chop

Not my usual fare, but a friend challenged me to write a parody about an impossibly repulsive woman. So in honor of my favorite parodist (?) Weird Al Yankovic… here is a parody of the Macklemore song Thrift Shop, I present, Pork Chop….

Pork Chop
I’m gonna heave and gag,
she’s lookin’ at my pockets
I-I I’m hurlin’, tryin’ not to throw up,
her face is fucking awful…

I walked in and thought,
“God what is that big blob!”
turns out it’s a girl that we call Pork Chop
the skin on her arms is so damn floppy
the other girls are like, “wow, I feel like a hottie”
her smell’s makin’ me hella weak,
headed to my workday seat
stank’s makin’ me dizzy, better get some dramamine
tryin’ to stay busy, but at lunch Pork Chop stands next to me
tears fillin’ up my eyes, wow I can hardly breath (wheeezzzeee)
Thank God there’s my friends!
coughing fit, drool and spit, she needs brushin’ and flossin’
people keep on pausin’ ’cause of the catastrophe she is causin’
smelly from her belly and the flies that keep on droppin’
I’m gonna pay money just to say I’m doin’ somethin’…. else
she smells like a piggy pile, she smells like a piggy pile
no for real, ask around, she smells like a piggy’s sty
matching jumpsuit pants and bunny slippers
Dookie smell on my jacket from her sticky fingers
I went to a fumigator, I bought out the whole store
her smell still lingered, so I went back and bought more
Hello? oh god, that face, damn, hell no!
Medusa ain’t got nothing on her face, I looked, Oh no!!
so far I’m just sick, and nobody’s turned to stone
the girls are all sayin’, “damn, she got a witch nose”

I’m gonna heave and gag,
she’s lookin’ at my pockets
I-I I’m hurlin’, tryin not to throw up,
her face is fucking awful…

as she walks down the street they’re all stoppin’
avoidin’ being too close to where she’s walkin’
I’m heavin’, I’m heavin’, my head’s over the garbage
she winked at me now my lunch is about to come up
Oh lord she has a couple buttons undone on her shirt
I think the smell is coming from under her skirt
I wonder, I wonder where that thing’s been
and if she needs a Massengill or some Depends
cottage cheese fanny needs super granny panties
takes up two beds tanning and can’t get under the rolls of blubber
even getting into XXL sweats is a lot of trouble
when she hits the club, the cover charge is double
they be like, “no ‘quake insurance tonight”
she’s like “Oh, well then, my cankles really hurt”
a weight limitation, let’s do the heavy addition
just to get her back home will require a super giant fork-lift
A covered truck so no one can smell it
and the night club won’t lose all of its business
that’s kinda mean though
but a 600 pound gremlin drivin’ people out of the club is a hella don’t
Jeez no! Insect hairs sprouting out of her moles
now she wants me as her man…
I can’t run, oh no! I can’t run, oh no!